Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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