Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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