New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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