i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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