Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
