last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
