I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
