we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
