yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
