Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
