i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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