My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
