Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We got so high we made milksteak
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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