After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
