You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
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he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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