I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
