Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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