idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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