I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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