My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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