Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
are you so shy because you have an std?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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