Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
