SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
