she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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