I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
