I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
