Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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