1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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