Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
