I have demons in me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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