yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
