afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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