Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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