it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
