I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
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Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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