I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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