Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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