I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
