i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
