Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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