You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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