i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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