Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
