i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
