I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
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