he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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