I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.