a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later