there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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