my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
