I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I believe in your delicious
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
