apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Is Oprah even human
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