god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!