I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
