When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
