This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
