i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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