I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
