After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
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took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
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It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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